Self Improvemet

Up rooted

I felt lost. I  was scared, bewildered. Confused. Anxious…..

This is my back story and I just hope and pray that this helps someone.

It all began in December of 2012. What I was praying for finally came to me. I prayed for us. I prayed for him. My husband(ex-husband on paper) and I got back together and now my family was complete. Now , I would no longer be a single mother and my girls would have their dad in the home. No more trucking my girls back and forth from one house to the next. Or dealing with reprogramming them after their weekend stay with dad. ONE HOUSE, ONE SET OF RULES. Life will become easier and happier.

As the saying goes,” Be very careful of what you ask, you just might get it”. And boy, did I get it. At first it was all romantic words and actions. Late night texts and calls. Sexting and flirting non-stop. We talked about how unfulfilled our lives were without each other in it. We talked about what we learned and how we grew as adults and that the best thing for everyone, was to be together as a family and build happiness together.

After quickly moving back in together, all hell broke lose. The plan was that I would continue attending college while being a stay at home mother. While he worked and took care of us all. After a month or two into our new routine; of me cooking, cleaning, taking the kids back and forth to school or social outings. All the while going to classes and studying while he slept. It was a must that I study as he slept because if I did so while he was awake, then I was taking away from HIS time. Things changed or should I say that they went back to the same ole thing, the reason why we divorced in the first place.

Here we go again… the bad moods. You and the kids are making too much noise in the house. You’ve spent too much money on food or gas. The kids are always playing, you spoil them so much. Why do you have to study all the time? Why is it that you can listen to your professors but not to me. I don’t want our kids around your family anymore,or you for that matter. They are the ones that kept us apart for so many years. Why are you talking back to me ? Why can’t I have someone calling MY phone at three o’clock in the morning? It’s my phone and I do pay all of the bills!

So instead of running for the hills, I stayed. Prayed and stayed. I thought that maybe if I compromised more and expressed how his harsh words were making me feel, that he would understand and change. For the sake of the family. For the sake of the relationship because we were MEANT to be together. Also, I can not uproot these kids and make them unhappy. They are apart of my choices and kids need their father. Or tell my mom that she was right AGAIN!

At this point, I’m thinking. After months of showing me another person, he became who he always was and forever will be, himself. Damn, he has not changed, he’s that same person that degraded me for years. The same person that put his hands on me and threaten my life. I’m up shit creek without a BOAT or a damn paddle ! Damn,Damn,Damn! This IS who I prayed for. God, if you get me out of this one….

After a series of negative assessments of myself from him; I came up with a plan. I knew who I was dealing with and knew that he would not make it easy to just up and leave with the kids in tow. But because I was not working with a sustainable income, I had to start hiding whatever monies I received. Which took some time- the only income that I alone received was the balance of any grant money from school. But that was also something that he wanted access to. As an abuser, he wanted to make sure that I was broke and depended solely on him. He was trying again to keep me and the kids away from my family and any source of help.

Everything came to ahead when we had a week of silent treatment between us. On one particular Friday, he wanted to “talk”. All of his talks were of HIM telling ME of how I needed to change. Or how I needed to listen to him, I was too strong. Or that I was book smart, but in life itself, he was the one with all of the wisdom between us two. I told him that I was done with all of his talks because they were all the same, Blah, Blah, Blah and walked away. Why did I do that?!!! He started yelling and cursing for me to return to the kitchen where he was and listen. Still nothing from my end. He came into the room, told the kids to get out( the kids are so scared and crying). He came really close and said, ” Do you think that I’m playing with you?” “you better come when I call you”. Bam, the next thing that I know is that I’m being lifted of floor. He continues to ramble on and on about how unruly I could be. Also why in the world was I so hardheaded. He later left the house. Once he was gone, I was able to think with a clear head. Two days later at about three in the morning, my daughters and I drove and never looked back. That was in the summer of 2013.

Almost three years later , we’re in a happier place. Im no longer confused about leaving.It was the Best decision that I made for myself and my kids.Was it easy ? Did I make it out without  going through additional headaches or heartaches? HELL TO THE NAH!!!!! But this new life is much better than  what it could have been. Thank you Lord.

I made it out and so can many others. If you have a friend or family member that is going through this….keep talking…keep listening.

How did you get out?